He is the best for me. But for years I never thought I would find him. And from 15 to 25 I found it damn hard. The longest I had a boyfriend that I saw regularly was 3 months. All my girlfriends had boyfriends and careers. Leaving Uni I had neither. Relegated to the emotional and career scrap pile. Any boys that liked me ending up being losers, and men I liked never seemed to be loving, to care about me enough.
I was just so lonely. So many years of one night stands, or maybe a two week relationship if I was lucky. So it was hard to believe that one day I would be lucky.
So what was going wrong? Was it me? Or was it them? And what exactly did luck have to do with it anyway?
I left my dad behind and raced into the arms of the (perceived) successful, centre of attention pub legends had the emotional centres of dung beetles. (With apologies). That was many years lost.
Gradually I honed my senses and worked out what I needed. I wanted someone kind (1), loving and thoughtful, but not the rollercoaster emotional mess that would be a mad passionate creative lefty. Actually I reckon wanting someone who was kind was the lynch pin. And that took many years to realise. How dumb!
I was always friends with engineer (2) types at school. They were always the boys I enjoyed hanging out with, discussing the world with. Their logic balanced my creative idealism.
And I didn’t want someone from a broken home with lots of emotional crap to deal with. That was my job, my speciality. Only so many hearts to repair without overbalancing. (3)
I am an only child, I needed someone who would be flexible and without the ego of an only or eldest child….like me. So maybe a middle child. (4)
And I had spent a good decade farmer hunting. I desperately wanted a country life for me and any babies that would come out of this. But kept falling flat in the cowpats there. Ok so lets refine my wish. A person from the land, with country sensibilities and values. (5) That could work.
And call me horribly practical, but having seen my father so stilted without a career, a way of life and the self esteem that comes with that, I wanted someone that was truly good at what they did, and happy with what they were doing. Not having to buy a new car every year to prove it, but yes, a successful person. (6)
He also had to be taller than me so I wouldn’t squash him. (7)
I had worked out what I needed, for me. Logically and practically, with the efficiency of the most practiced Indian matchmaker. Just like Alain De Botton, the well known philosopher, I made a list of what I would require in a partner. I just had to find him.
And I did. It took a year or two which really, in the scheme of things, is nothing. In a pub in the Rocks in Sydney, just like Princess Mary. And fourteen years later I am happier than I ever dared believe I would be. Married to my 6’2″, farm built engineer. The second son from a happy family who is one of the most successful men I know but happy driving a small car that has done around 200,000kms.
And he is kind, and loving just like my dad was, and how I expect a good man to be. But unlike my father he has only known happiness, is successful in his world, and believes in himself.
Sometimes when you make enough mistakes, don’t get personal, get logical.
Because I believe you can work out what hurts you and doesn’t work for you, and make changes for a loving happy future.
(He isn’t perfect, he doesn’t read my blog because all my mass generalisations freak him out).